A Brief Moment to Share....something really personal...

K-so today I am feeling much better and by saying that, most people are probably wondering what the heck I am talking about. No, I haven't been sick and NO, I am not pregnant....yet. But that is where this story begins.
After I had Brooklynn, I never really felt any post partom depression and I didn't feel too bad immeadiatly after I had Anniston. It was probably 2 months after she was born that I started to have some issues. Not depression, but anxiety. I was certain that something terrible was going to happen to my kids or to Wade and I hated that I had no control of it. There are a couple of incidents that I remember specifically....I was going to have lunch with some girls that I worked with down in SLC and so I had Ruth pick Brooklynn up from pre-school. About half-way down Parley's I started to panic and was just plain scared that Ruth and Brooklynn were going to be in a car accident. I did not know what to do. I kept calling Wade and telling him that he had to call me just as soon as he talked to his mom so that I would know that they were safe. Another time I went shopping with a friend and after I got in the car and was almost home, I couldn't remember if I had put Anniston in the car from the shopping cart. I hadn't heard her at all....It took all that I had in me to turn around and check to make sure that she was there. I was so afraid that I had left her in the Target parking lot. Of course she was there and she was sound asleep, but I was terrified.
So after all of this and much more, I started to realize that things weren't just going away, I wasn't getting any less crazy. It was acutally getting worse. My fears and anxiety was getting much worse and much more frequent. I finally decided that I needed to talk to someone about the issues I was having. Wade took the day off from work and took me in to see my doctor. (Thank Goodness for a supportive husband) She and I talked about what I had been going through and she suggested a few things for me to do and she also put me on a prescription medication for anxiety. I started to do some of her suggestions and took the medication. It didn't start off so well, I hated the way the medicine made me feel, and I had zero energy. Slowly but surely though, I started to feel much better. UNTIL now...
Wade and I decided that we would start trying to have another baby soon. In order for us to do that I have to stop taking the medicine, which I am totally fine with...however IT, apparently is not fine with that!!!!! I am not sure that if I would have known how crappy I would feel trying to taper off it that I would have started taking it in the first place. I finally quit taking it and boy have I felt like S*%t. Tired, grumpy, easily annoyed and worst of all I get what they call "zaps and wave". It's like a little electrical shock that runs through my body. Talk about un-nerving....at first I thought my heart was giving out on me. Luckily I work for a great pharmacist that told me that I was not dying and that was a common side effect. (Believe me, there is nothing "normal" or "common" about it, it is a scary feeling.) On the bright side, it has been about a week since I got off the medication and FINALLY I am starting to feel like myself again. Just a tired version...but I can live with that because I know that will get better. I just hope that I can keep the anxiety and panic at bay for.... well....forever if possible. Wish me luck for that and wish us luck that we will be blessed with another little one. We are so excited to hopefully have another baby.